


in which jaskier gets high on fairy mushrooms and becomes (mostly) immortal

by OnlyALIttlePsycho



Series: jaskier's misadventures with the fae realm [1]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: (not the drug kind of crack), Crack Treated Seriously, Fae Magic, Fluff and Crack, Immortal Jaskier | Dandelion, M/M, Prompt Fill, Yennefer has the braincell, fae, the boys accidentally get high off of mushrooms jaskier finds in the woods, there are unintended side effects
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25023154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyALIttlePsycho/pseuds/OnlyALIttlePsycho
Summary: Basically what it says on the tin.Inspired by this prompt:  jaskier is immortal for the dumbest reason you can think of, eg. he died once but it gave him an upset stomach so he refuses to try it again; they asked valdo marx to play at his funeral and he resurrected himself out of pure outrage; he's legally unable to pass away until he releases his first studio album, seeing as it's 1247 and recording equipment won't exist for a while yet he's functionally immortal in the meantime.So, Jaskier accidentally saves a fae court by eating mushrooms and accidentally becomes immortal along the way.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: jaskier's misadventures with the fae realm [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1956355
Comments: 27
Kudos: 493





	in which jaskier gets high on fairy mushrooms and becomes (mostly) immortal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rercho](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rercho/gifts).



> This fic is a gift/ prompt fill for rercho, who has been a gem and commented on every chapter of my other fic so far. Thanks for sticking with me and motivating me to write more!

Hidden in a tiny treeless patch of forest just behind camp, they formed an almost perfect circle around a craggy and moss-covered boulder. Perfect for cookies or stew, they promised a delicious feast. Beautiful  _ Marasmius oreades,  _ more commonly referred to as the Skellige Bonnet mushrooms. While common in the Isles, they were a rare find here on the mainland. 

Jaskier rubbed his hands together before spinning around. He had to go get a basket and thread.

\---

Geralt gave him a strange look when Jaskier said he found a delicacy in the forest and to not worry about him until nightfall; he would be out all afternoon harvesting them a fortune in woodland treasures. The surly witcher merely reminded Jaskier that he would be searching the woods for clues about the town’s missing children and issued a caution not to piss off any forest creatures. Jaskier waved him away as he puttered about gathering the materials needed to gather the mushrooms.

Content and humming to himself, he sat on the rock while swiftly slicing the mushroom caps from their stems. He estimated there to be close to two hundred of the delightful morsels in this particular ring. While he wouldn’t take them all (continuing the growth of the population and all that), he fully planned on walking away with a beautiful thread or two for drying and selling. 

On second thought, maybe he would keep them all to himself. He shrugged. That was a dilemma for another day.

This small adventure reminded him of a time when as a young child, his mother took him mushroom hunting across their estate. They came across a circle like this one, though the mushrooms had been a skeletal white color, and she cautioned him never to touch them. These mushrooms, she said, would bring nothing but misfortune to the one that ate them. She claimed the circles of white mushrooms were actually the work of dark fae that sought to catch desperate and hungry gatherers unawares. 

Similarly, she also told him about circles of a nutty brown colored mushroom, the Skellige bonnets, that would bring the consumer immeasurable luck in their future endeavors. One was meant to make a wish before eating them, and then in their dreams a fairy would come to answer that desire.

The wish and magic things all sounded like a load of poppycock to Jaskier, but hey, they could use a bit of luck right now. What was the harm in trying? Besides, they really did make for some delicious ingredients in other dishes. They added a particularly sweet taste for a mushroom after all. It would be a waste to leave them all behind. No one would notice if he took a string or two of the caps back to camp. 

What Jaskier didn’t notice was the line of text that emerged from beneath the moss from where he sat on the boulder.

\---

“You got this excited over a fungus?” And alright, Geralt was a skeptic. He had obviously never tasted the wonders that a genuine Skellige Bonnet could do to the mouth, but that was why he had Jaskier. 

“It’s magic in your mouth, Geralt. Trust me on this one. It will take this plain rabbit stew to the levels of that which could be served in the court of the gods.” 

He ladeled a bowl of his creation for Geralt. He raised the spoon to his lips when Jaskier suddenly accosted him. “Wait!! You have to make a wish first.”

The bowl settled back into his lap. “What?”

“A wish! You have to make a wish. It’s tradition for a Skellige Bonnet. You think of something that you really want and then when you dream magic happens to make it true.”

Geralt stared at him. “That’s ridiculous.”

“C’mon Geralt, do it for the memory of my poor, beloved mama, who taught me the ways of the mushroom before she was taken from us oh so young. Who knows, maybe they’ll give you the answer to the missing children or you’ll find a discounted new set of armor or a farrier to re-shoe Roach in the next town or….”

“Alright, I get it.” Geralt sighs. He makes a show of closing his eyes for a few moments. The amber orbs slant at Jaskier when they do reopen. “Can I eat my supper now?”

Jaskier nods with a satisfied smirk. “Enjoy.”

He tends to his own bowl, wondering what he would want, and remembers a sketch of Geralt he had made in his journal. He had been meaning to paint the witcher for some time, but he realized two things: first, Geralt would never agree to sit for a portrait; second, that everytime he looked at his paints in Oxenfurt, he was never satisfied with the shades of yellow. He had yet to find something that accurately matched the witcher’s amber orbs. 

His wish in mind, Jaskier dove into his soup. 

“Sooo, what do you think? It’s amazing, am I right?” he prodded at the witcher.

“Adequate, I suppose.”

“Adequate! Adequate he says! Court chefs would do seriously suspicious things to get their hands on some of these mushrooms, and all you have to say is adequate?” His rant continued for some time. That is until he looked back to Geralt and noticed something strange. “Geralt,” he began cautiously, “is your hair… pink?”

“What?” he snapped, pulling a section up to stare at more closely. He shuddered. “No, it’s blue? Wait, your doublet, it’s gone orange.”

Jaskier looked down. It’s worse than that. “It’s yellow! That absolutely does not match my skin tone. Geralt, what if we’re stuck like this? Oh my god look over there! It’s a deer with a human face!”

“Where?” Geralt jumped up and pulled out his sword. Jaskier shrugged.

“It’s gone now. Do you think it will come back?” 

Geralt grunted, sitting down again with his back to a tree and keeping his sword in his lap.

The paranoid and hallucinating pair quickly fell asleep.

\---

Geralt and Jaskier woke up to a sunny morning and a feeling of refreshment. Neither quite remembered anything after the first few bites of soup, but neither of them realized that fact. In fact, so pleasant were they in their forgetfulness, Geralt actually smiled at Jaskier when he made a joke. He also didn’t shove him away when Jaskier came up from behind to wrap his arms around Geralt’s waist. He just gave a gentle ‘hmm’ and lightly squeezed Jaskier’s hand where it rested on his stomach. 

The day continued in a pleasant fashion. When the pair returned to the village, they were served a meal without any fuss, and the villagers were almost happy to answer their questions. It was a welcome change. They also didn’t protest or stare at them with mistrust when Geralt stayed in town that night to watch for any signs of what might have happened to the missing children. 

Jaskier himself was enjoying a nice sleep in the inn when he was rudely awoken by having all his covers torn off. Geralt stood over him and grunted out a gruff, “Get up. You’re coming with me.”

This was then followed by a frigid tromp through the woods at what must be around midnight.

“Really, Geralt, it’s freezing out here. I need more warmth than this. What is so important that it couldn’t wait until the sun was out?” 

“Was this where you found the mushrooms we ate?”

Jaskier blinked. By the light of Geralt’s torch, he could discern the ring of mushrooms from which he had indeed harvested their dinner. 

“Yeah, so what?” He scratched his head and then wrapped his arms tighter around himself. Frostbite was quickly becoming a concern of his even if it was only mid autumn. Geralt would probably just tell him to invest in better socks and a real coat.

“It’s a fairy circle.” Geralt said accusingly. “Those were Fairy Ring Champions we ate tonight.”

“So what? It’s not like fairies are real.”

“Maybe not the little blue winged things from the old wives’ tales, but the fae are,” he growled. “You didn’t make the connection between a fairy circle and missing kids from the nearest town?”

“Aaaaah, no?”

“Do you realize you just potentially put us in the middle of a fae war?”

“A what?”

“A fae war. The mushrooms are a side effect of a curse that fae only use when another group has really pissed them off. It affects their fertility and the strength of any offspring they can have. So then they have to make changelings so their spawn can gather strength from their human host. If left in place long enough the population becomes so small and weak the court is essentially wiped out.”

“The missing children…”

“Yes. And now we have to figure out whether or not we are going to have angry enemy fae on our asses for breaking the curse they put on the local court.”

Jaskier gave a ‘humph’ of his own. “Interesting. But that means the local fae court should like us? If we broke the curse by taking the mushrooms?”

“Depends on their mood. What did you wish for?”

“What?” 

“When you ate the mushrooms, what did you wish for? Depending on their mood they can answer your request in different ways.”

Jaskier blinked sleepily at him. “I though you thought the wish was a stupid myth. Did you know it was a possibility?”

Despite the witcher not actually scratching his forehead, Jaskier envisioned him doing it anyways. “Technically. But I didn’t think anyone would be crazy enough to put themselves in the middle of a fae conflict and break a fairy circle. Did you even read the stone while you were here?”

“Read the stone? It’s covered in…” He cut himself off when he realized a portion of the moss had been pushed away. The stone was still wet from having the moss and dirt washed away. There, nearly invisible after years of erosion, the etching read thus: BIDH FÀBHAR AIG CÙIRT AN TACHARTAIS AIR NEACH SAM BITH A BHRISEAS AN CEARCALL SEO

“I… have absolutely no idea what any of that means.” He squinted in the darkness.

“Whoever breaks this circle shall have the favor of the Court of Eventide.”

“But that’s a good thing?”

“If you trust the fae.”

“Which you don’t.”

Geralt nodded. “Which I don’t.”

\---

Geralt insisted they wait at the circle until midnight the next night. He informed Jaskier that it was the easiest time for them to cross between worlds, and it would have been the only time possible with the curse in place. That was why the children always went missing while everyone was asleep. 

He also said that the stone was the visual representation of the gateway between the two worlds. That was why the signs of the children all pointed to this section of the woods. Geralt just hadn’t found exactly the right spot until he followed a young girl last night. She had suddenly vanished once she stood inside the circle. Geralt recognized the mushrooms in their whole forms and had immediately gone to fetch Jaskier. 

Now here they sat waiting to see if a fae would emerge to speak with them.Geralt had placed an offering of milk, honey, and a silver coin upon the stone, but it wasn’t a guarantee that a fae would appear. He said it essentially depended on whether or not they were in the mood. 

Lucky for them, right at midnight a fae man did appear suddenly, guzzling down the milk and pocketing the honey and coin in a pouch at his hip. Satisfied with his treasures, the man turned to Geralt and Jaskier with a pleasant smile. “How can I help you, oh honored ones?”

Jaskier knew Geralt was raising an eyebrow at the creature. “We seek answers to a few mysteries.”

“Please ask. I shall do my best to answer.”

Jaskier took this as his moment to ask the most important question of the evening: “Are we going to be hunted down by whichever evil fae cursed your court?” Geralt turned his head to glare at him. 

“Manners, Jaskier.”

The fae laughed at them both in a whole bodied fashion, but he didn’t look angry. “We shall take no offense from the honored ones. You have freed us from a curse most unpleasant and draining. No, you need not fear any retaliation from us nor another court for the ones that did this to us are gone. They angered more courts than they ought have, and those they had not yet taken umbrage with ended their evil before they could curse the rest of the fae.”

“Many thanks for your clemency and honesty,” Geralt answered, gently putting a foot on top of Jaskier’s boot, a silent order to let Geralt do the talking lest he step on it harder. “There are a number of missing children from the village nearby. I was sent to bring them home or avenge them.”

“No vengeance is needed here. They are quite honored in our court for their service to us. They shall be returned swiftly to their homes, richer for the experience, or will be allowed to stay among us. It is their choice.”

Jaskier was prepared to protest and opened his mouth to speak, but Geralt increased the pressure to his boot and shook his head. 

“Might I inform the village that no more children will be taken?”

The fae nods. “Indeed. Now that our court is restored, we have no need for their children any longer. Last night’s child was the last host in the village. The next generation will be born and raised amongst our own. Have you any other questions? The visiting hour closes.”

“Just one… our wishes…”

“Have no fear, honored one. Your wishes have been examined, and we believe you will find their resolution quite satisfactory.”

Geralt nodded once again even though Jaskier would really like some more explanation to that statement, but what’s a bard to do? The fae disappeared in the blink of an eye.

“Right, that was… a strange conversation to say the least. Can I go to sleep now?” 

And that was that. Another mystery solved and another job concluded. (Jaskier made sure to rib Geralt in the morning for not letting him speak to the fae, but that is neither here nor there.)

\---

It was years later when a group of thugs thought Jaskier owed them his coin pouch. He naturally disagreed and attempted to leave the tavern. The bite of the knife into his gut took a moment to register. Then the pain settled in. He sank to his knees at the same moment Geralt re-entered the inn (covered in selkimore guts naturally) and immediately began to slaughter those responsible. Which was romantic really, except the part where Jaskier was bleeding out. Or at least, the part where he  _ should have  _ been bleeding out. 

His gut did an odd thing whilst Geralt was single handedly eliminating Jaskier’s attackers: it pushed the dagger out and began to knit itself closed. Not wanting to cause further reputation issues for Geralt (Blaviken, though forgotten by many, could be resurrected at any moment), he clutched his hands over the previously bleeding wound, and did his best to look like he was still in danger. 

“Perhaps it’s time to go call Yennefer,” he said shakily when Geralt finally drops to his knees beside him. Geralt collected him in his arms to carry him upstairs to their room. 

Both of them were in disbelief when they looked more closely at what was now pink skin where a gaping hole should have been. Yennefer didn’t have an answer either.

\---

Ciri was nearing thirty years old when they realized Jaskier didn’t have a grey hair on his head. Then they realized he was still in as good of shape as he was in his twenties. And that he still felt like he’s twenty something. 

\---

They asked Yennefer to look more closely at Jaskier. They didn’t know why he wasn't aging and why he didn’t die that night he was stabbed. It made them nervous even while they appreciated it.

She gave Jaskier an elixir to make him sleep and then went silent for nearly two hours while her magic explored Jaskier’s body for answers. When the connection severed, they both slept for several hours. Geralt paced the room, his eyes darting between the window and the bed where they both lay.

\---

“So, what did you do to make the fae love you?” she asked when they woke up.

Geralt looked to Jaskier. “What the hell did you wish for?”

“Ummm, for some paint to make a portrait of you? But I haven’t been able to find the right yellow?”

Yennefer laughed. “I would love to hear that story.”

“Long story short, I saved a fae court from a slow demise due to infertility by picking some mushrooms. We both made some wishes before we ate them, and as a thank you the fae granted our wishes.”

“How intriguing. How did you phrase your wish?”

He scratched his head and wrinkled his nose. “Something to the effect of wanting to have Geralt sit for a portrait for me after I finally found the perfect shade of yellow for his eyes?”

“Extraordinary,” she breathed, “Do you realize what you’ve done?”

“Uuum, no? Or else we wouldn’t be asking you for help?”

“That is a very specific shade of yellow you’re looking for. I’m certain it doesn’t exist yet.” 

“And that means what exactly?” Jaskier asked.

“You won’t die until you find that pigment and paint your picture of Geralt.”

“But how would wanting to make a picture keep him alive?” Geralt questioned. 

Yennefer just shook her head. “Fae magic. They’ve granted Jaskier what is functionally immortality until he fulfills his wish. Jaskier, you saved an entire court. That is a debt they likely didn’t want you coming to collect. So here we are.”

“Here we are…” Jaskier whispered. “Geralt, do you know what this means?”

The witcher raised an eyebrow and stayed silent.

“You can teach me how to use a sword.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Or we can go cliff diving or, or…”

“Let’s not test how far fae magic goes, Jask.” 

“But think of the possibilities, Geralt!”

“Jaskier, absolutely not.”

“Geraaaaallltltttt!!!!! It will be so much fun.”

“No, and that’s the end of it.”

Unfortunately for Geralt, that would not be the end of it. 

(Not that he was complaining. Not much anyways. He’d take every day with his bard he could get.)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the fic! I appreciate kudos and comments. :) I'm also on tumblr! There I am onlyslightlypsycho. 
> 
> The translation is by an online translator for Gaelic. If there are any errors, my apologies to anyone and everyone out there who speaks/ reads it. I will gladly update to a more correct version if someone has it. :D 
> 
> If anyone knows/ has the link to the original tumblr prompt, let me know and I'll happily tag it in.
> 
> (PS, don't do drugs kids. Or eat mystery mushrooms for which you don't know all the side effects. XD)


End file.
